Taking the road less traveled

This is definitely the most raw, in-depth blog entry I have EVER written in my entire life. Some of these things I’ve never even shared with the people closest to me. I realize that I tweet and update about how awesome God has been to me on a daily basis, but I haven’t ever really shared with most of my followers about what brought me to this point…So here is my personal testimony. Writing this has taken alot of courage. I have fought the idea for forever, about a year actually. Naturally, I’m a private person, especially when it comes to my personal life. I have a select few people who I talk to about personal issues, painful experiences with and what not. I don’t usually trust or open up to very many people at all. But I feel led to expose myself, not in the hopes of embarrassing anyone, or gaining any type of sympathy. But to tell of his goodness, grace and mercy towards me. So here I am a 21 year old dental school drop out, (long story lol) soon to be re-enrolled in college to hopefully do what I’ve always longed to do, which is obtain a degree in human services…to hopefully help families better themselves and live better lives. So what led me to this point? Well let’s start from the beginning, most people know I was born into a loving God centered family, and that I’m the granddaughter of a well known Bishop, but that didn’t leave me exempt from the pains of life. Many people have this crazy idea that my life has been all ease, and I’ve never experienced any real issues…and that couldn’t be further from the truth. The reason I am able to praise and acknowledge him the way that I am has nothing to do with my lack of struggle or issues. Quite the opposite actually. You see, the devil didn’t want me here from the jump. Started when my mother fell down a flight of stairs while she was pregnant with me, AT CHURCH and almost miscarried. Then, when I was born I almost lost my life and was forced to have a tube placed in my trachea. Those were only the first attempts to take me out. Because I think about all of the years I spent depressed and hurting. I remember all the times my mother would send my siblings and I to my father’s for the weekend, and unbeknownst to her he would drop us off at the houses of random people that he was friends with but we didn’t know, and leave us there for periods of time. Sometimes I ride past houses and say “I remember sleeping there one night.” Or how he would take us to filthy motels, and we’d sometimes go without food. But God looked out and protected us. I think about how I was exposed to pornography at the age of 9 years old at a relative’s house and how confused it left me, for years. But God looked out for me. I think about how for years my step father and I hated each other, and how angry and hurt I was over the fact that he refused to father me…but God was there, and wiped my
tears away. I think about how close I was to ending my life, but a text from a super close loved one kept me from doing just that. I think about how close I came to losing my virginity at 18 to a guy I had only known for a brief time. All because I wanted to be loved. But God pulled me away, and loved me through my loneliness, filled
my void, kept me from making that life altering mistake that so many young girls make in their quest to find true love and acceptance, and at 21 years of age I am still a virgin and still have my purity. He is keeper!!!! He loved me through, and he continues to heal my brokeness, comfort me when my past tries to pull me back. He stops me in my tracks when I want to wallow in self pity the way that I used to, or live in the state unforgiveness that had me bound for so many years. Recently I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, but I went back a few weeks ago and it’s no longer an issue. Just recently began a new relationship with an awesome guy, that is going good so far. Life is still far from perfect, I am still dealing with some unresolved hurt, and unanswered questions. I realize that there are so many, just like me who have been through some of the same things, and things much worse than I have. Starting to see that so many have struggled with deep rooted abandonment issues, the same way that I have! But I have been through enough to know that there is no pain or heartache that heaven cannot heal. He is a fixer of everything broken. He is near those with broken hearts! So if you are a young lady reading this, or anyone really and you are in the valley, ready to call it quits,
just know God dwells with you in the darkest of places. Don’t you dare give up! The enemy is a defeated foe and he loses on all counts! You’re gonna make it…hope this encouraged someone!!

So the night before last night I tossed and turned…my spirit was distressed. I went to sleep angry about a situation…..then early yesterday morning, around 4am, I found myself awake….still upset. I began to cry out the Lord, next thing I know, I’m out of my bed on my knees, weeping and crying out to the Lord…and I felt this peace come over me, like never before…and I felt the very presence of God…and he released what was weighing down on my heart so heavily….and reassured me that I’d be just fine. Brokenness is the only way in which God can use us…the only way…Read a quote that read “sometimes until we are broken, we don’t know what we are made of..” so very true…

As my mind wonders, gets losts, becomes confused, pride sometimes tries to tell me I can make it out here without you, but truth is that I can’t. I am in desperate need of a savior…something bigger than myself…my mind is so finite…humans as a whole are so flawed..and to think some believe that they can do it all without you…but I need a savior, the world needs a savior…you always come to my rescue, answer my prayers and comfort my soul…thank you for being faithful when I was faithless….

So last night, I ministered my first message, I was extremely nervous, so nervous in fact that I actually had tears in my eyes as I was approaching the podium. I spoke on living a sacrificed life and living a life that was poured out to God. Everyone kept telling me how awesome of a job that I did, and how proud they were of me, and I appreciated all of that, but to be honest, Jesus is the one who truly deserves the round of applause, so I take credit for nothing. He has taken my pain, my confusion, and made beauty from my ashes…I’m definitely living Romans 8:28 right now….I’m a testament as to what God can do if you give him your hurts. Doesn’t matter what you’ve endured or been through, you’re not damaged goods. Doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been rejected…looked down on, belittled or mistreated, God can take your mess and make you into a masterpiece. Jesus continues to work on my heart, and expose the things to me that will no longer do. I’m just grateful and humbled that he loves me enough to want to use someone such as me…..I truly believe that I’m entering into a new chapter in my life…and although I’m up against some really tough things this month, I now trust him enough to know that regardless as to what happens, my king will see me through…and my hope is anchored in him.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 NIV)

Truly God is good to Israel,
to those whose hearts are pure.
But as for me, I almost lost my footing.
My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone.
For I envied the proud
when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness.
They seem to live such painless lives;
their bodies are so healthy and strong.
They don’t have troubles like other people;
they’re not plagued with problems like everyone else.
They wear pride like a jeweled necklace
and clothe themselves with cruelty.
These fat cats have everything
their hearts could ever wish for!
They scoff and speak only evil;
in their pride they seek to crush others.
They boast against the very heavens,
and their words strut throughout the earth.
And so the people are dismayed and confused,
drinking in all their words.
“What does God know?” they ask.
“Does the Most High even know what’s happening?”
Look at these wicked people—
enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply.

Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?
Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?
I get nothing but trouble all day long;
every morning brings me pain.

If I had really spoken this way to others,
I would have been a traitor to your people.
So I tried to understand why the wicked prosper.
But what a difficult task it is!
Then I went into your sanctuary, O God,
and I finally understood the destiny of the wicked.
Truly, you put them on a slippery path
and send them sliding over the cliff to destruction.
In an instant they are destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors.
When you arise, O Lord,
you will laugh at their silly ideas
as a person laughs at dreams in the morning.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant—
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever.

Those who desert him will perish,
for you destroy those who abandon you.
But as for me, how good it is to be near God!
I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,
and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do. (Psalm 73:1-28 NLT)